please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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