I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
