omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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