I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
