There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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