Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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