3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
