Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
