I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
