I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
