I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
