ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
