she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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