If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
