News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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