Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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