I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
