I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
