Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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