in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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