i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
