Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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