U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
