News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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