Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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