I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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