Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
