I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
