And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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