Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
