my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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