I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
