The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?