I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
