I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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