In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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