A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
