I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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