Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
