Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
