I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
