Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
