I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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