this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
