i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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