Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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