There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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