dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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