as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
