On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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