So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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