After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
