I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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