All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
