she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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