i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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