Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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