The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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