HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
